I know I promised a poem... but honestly I'm not in the mood for that... I just watched 'The Last Time I Commite Suicide' and I feel very screwed up... I'm not sad, just... well I guess depressed or something like that.
This is the only thing I respect JKR for... not that she managed to steal the world's mythology and get away with it. I respect her for giving the best definition of depression. It went something like... You don't feel sad... you just feel nothing. I hope, for your own good, you've never felt this way. You just care about nothing. You are out of this world, but still not quite... you're trapped here... you want to get out... I won't get into more suicidal ramblings, for your own safety, but never think depression can be imitated... Where I live there certainly aren't as many emos as in the states for example... As a matter of fact, I don't even know one... but there is a line between sadness and depression... between acting and moping... You know what Chuck Palahniuck said and now I can feel it (sadly not for the first time, either) 'everything is a copy, of a copy, of a copy...'... Now I shall go back to my 'suicide' online quizzes... for some bizarre reason they tend to liven me up... go figure... goodnight... I'll probably post that poem as soon as I type it up for school(I have to print it anyway)...

I see them. I walk in corridors. I greet and am greeted (surprisingly, more often the second one...). I work and play. I go to school, but... To quote Palahniuk: "Everything is a copy of a copy, of a copy." I feel distanced... I guess this is just another mood swing but it feels terrible to be on top of it all and the next minute you can still see it, but as a picture... from afar... unreal... Hmm, I'm not making much sense I guess...

Then it all crashes down
And you break your crown
And you point your finger, but there’s no one around
Just want one thing
Just to play the king
But the castle’s crumbled and you’re left with just a name
Where’s your crown, king nothing?
~Metallica, King Nothing

I will (most probably) soon post a poem we did in class... During english class we were to go outside for something like 15-20 minutes and reflect on what we were feeling/seeing/etc. to make up a full page of thoughts. As I read through mine it felt terrible but I was freezing and it was raining anyway, so no surprise there... We were supposed to reflect only on nature, yet somehow "a pair of piercing blue eyes" managed to get to the page... not my fault: they fitted the context and it wasn't my fault I was sitting on the railing of the passage between two of the buildings... If I see my muse I cannot resist... After that we went back to the room to write a poem reflecting upon what we felt... I quite like mine, actually... For now you only get the 'simile practice' we did earlier... They all had to be connected with nature... oh joy...

'I laughed the morbid laugh the tiger laughs at his bleedin victim.'
'I listened closely as a willow listens to the whispers of the ripples.'
'I wept quietly as the morning dew falling off a rose.'
'I dreamt insanely as the bat that slept upstraight.'

Aw well I must say it wasn't all that bad... And for a special thank-you to all the annoying ones who were discussing my clothes I give you an Amy Lee quote: "Fuck you, guys, I look good!" Now on to more important things...
As you've obviously noticed I'm an extremely weird person. Thank you. From the fine arts to computers (I have to admit I'm not half as geek as I'd like to be... but don't worry - I'm learning C++ anyway) to gothic culture(although I can't say I consider myself goth) and even satanism(please if you haven't read anything on the topic - don't comment) and metal... Well I have different interests, what can I say? I can say I completely forgot mathematics... It's not that love for the science, most mathematicians have, but I can appreciate a complex problem and a brilliant solution...
I shall now go to check if I indeed have nothing for tomorow and then perhaps watch 'Some Kind of Moster'... I really want to see it... goodnight...

The more I look at that lolling smiley the sicker I get... What's wrong with it?! So moving my upper lip means I'm laughing... damn pixels...
Oh yeah - the title of the journal does come from an Evanescence song ("Tourniquet"), but don't be fooled... I might be a silly fangirl sometimes (as weird as it seems) but never to Ames. Only thing I like in her is her style of clothing, but after reading some interviews and quotations today I think I'd rather not know her personally... Okay maybe some of her lyrics are nicely poetic as well, but come on...

He was a bastard to me
How come I didn't see?
Used me for his pleasure
Always at his leisure
But when I asked for something in return
It was none of his concern
I was too much, he said
now I wish we both were dead...

This isn't a relapse after an old boyfriend. It isn't an accusation... I don't know what it is I only know I wrote it for no one but myself...
Bad luck that the first post should be so dark, but I'm afraid you caught me on a bad day. I'm also afraid I have a lot of bad days... darn... Schoolwork is piling in the corners, slowly reaching out for me, trying to grab my throat start strangling... Today I gave in and started one of the projects. Well the sounds of S'n'M make it easier and much more bearable to write about 'jass' and blues (don't get me wrong I have nothing against them[except the fact that they put me in hybernation] but the information is so damn boring!). I have promised myself an artistic reward if I manage to finish the damn thing today : aw well - wish me luck and a better mood for tomorrow...