the posters in the school dentist's cabinet
the nightmares
the pain and disgust

I guess I'll just decade. I don't have the will to do/be more than that.

The torture is over. I haven't quite come to terms that's it's actually over.

You have 2 months.
No it can't be...

You're in vacation.
No, no just for a few days...

I dunno, school screwed up my mind... or what's left of it anyway.
I had plenty of time to write, but I just couldn't... For the first time... oh, for the first time in such a long time I feel happy. I just live and enjoy. I see the sun, feel the breeze, taste the clouds.

Can you mourn a person you don't miss?...
I can. I'm such a hypocrite. My grandad died. My gran is mourning him in the next room. He's the only one she can remember. She can only remember the house of her childhood (when/where she met him). It's so sad, dramatic and beautiful. It's terribly cliche, but somehow, when you live out cliches, they don't seem as unreal as on tv...

Ugh. Why do I write?
Pathetic
Pain(physical) and exams have worn me down. The joy is gone. Yet... before, when it left me, I would get into a depression. Now I'm just tired. I love this.

I have to start upon my reading.All these years I've complained on what we had to read for school. This summer we get a nicer list.
We also get HP6 (by 'we' is meant the three of us or the royal 'we' - your pick)... I've always marvelled at JKR for being able to steal all these worn out myths and stories and make a bestseller. I guess kids will always need modern magic in their lives. And while magic stays the same, modern changes all the time. After all, isn't that the essence of the term?

Exhausted.
Musical.
Sleepy and creative.
I can't be 2in1.
I'm not a shampoo.
I just bubble-up.
Goodnight.

--The Cure - Strange Attraction
0100100100100000011011000 1101001011101100110010100 1000000110100101101110001 0000001100001001000000111 0100011101110110100101110 01101110100011
0010101100100001000000111 0111011011110111001001101 1000110010000100000011011 1101100110001000000110100 1011011100111001101100001 011011100110010
1001000000111001001101111 0110110101100001011011100 1100011011001010010111000 1011100010111000100000010 0000101101110011001000010 000001001001001
0000001101100011011110111 0110011001010010000001101 0010111010000101110

Sometimes it hurts to just keep my eyes open.. to think, even...
It is early, but for me it is midnight. The keystrokes are soothing as always and the presence of another is audible. Well, it's been an exhausting year. I guess it's a bit early to say that. It's not over yet... But I wish it were. i wish I could just sit all day and draw, and write, and sleep... I need my medicine, but I don't know what it is. There must be something that cures this, right?
Symptoms:
Lazyness, extreme exhaustion, reluctance in accepting reality, drifting off, irritable...
I don't think now is the time for complaints.
It hurts. It pains me to live, but in that sort of dull and neverending way...

Do you know how vampires self harm? With a flashlight...

Yeah, I know that technically they are sensitive only to sunlight, but the very image of a vamp with a flashlight is funny. Take whichever meaning.
Life is full of everything. It has joy, sorrow, exitement... but the mixture... if you mix bright red with bright yellow and bright blue... well lemme tell you

the colour isn't bright anymore

Ugh, I need something cleansing... I need to let out everything I'm thinking about, I'm being so creative lately that I'm afraid they(my pieces... well my creations) might be losing their creativity.

Am I just a factory?!


Wings, Michael. You grow wings and become a fairy...

There's so much coincidence about that boy... Serioja, that is... I thought the reborn memory would just sweetly fade away, leaving me a sweet taste. I'm either going to meet him soon, or just be constantly reminded of his existence. Today I finished one of my notebooks - drawings, poems, etc. - and I needed to find a new one. Deciding I should just take an already started one, I tore pages from an old diary untill two minutes ago. Browsing through them, I saw his name. He had been very lovable throughout our friendship(or whatever the hell that was)... I was also reminded of a girlfriend story... I dunno it was silly.... he was saying he had a girlfriend named Yana, or something like that.... I do kind of miss him. Right now I need someone just like him. Most of all - very artistic and strange.

I was also reminded of what I was as a kid. EW. I got disgusted. Aw well, I hope I've become something better(I dare not say someone).

I'm starting to learn what I want in life. Which means I'm starting to get it. A big THANK YOU to the person who showed me who I am.

PS: I've edited the post, deciding that that one person has the incredible quality to make me hate him intensely just when I've started liking him again. I shall keep the 'thank you' because he deserves it. He won't get a public apology, since he's one of the many people that just love to screw up my life.

placard
obvious
FUCK YOU!!!
0100011001010101010000110 1001011001000000101100101 0011110101010100100001001 0000100100001

Oh, boy... it's friday again :/... Well another week has passed and I was so overtortured I couldn't even write one lousy blog... My doom seems to be getting closer and closer with every parental 'talk'... I wish they'd just stop. They want me to be okay and all, but if they hadn't started being 'concerned' about me (and knowing today's people, I don't believe it for a bit).. ugh who cares...
w-h-i-n-e-y
yeah that's me...
I have to rest, but something keeps me awake. It's not that I wouldn't like to sleep. It's not that I can't. I just don't want to. Now this is what computer addiction is...
Today I left school with the geeks (I find their company quite uplifting, actually) on one bus. Then I got off at my stop to get on another bus. Now that bus usually goes straight for quite a while and up a hill. There were some road repairs, so the bus had to go around. Now let me get into another story before continuing...
Lately (for some extremely bizzare reason) I am quite fond of effeminate guys. Not like a crush or anything, but I enjoy their manner of behaving, their smiles and laughs... Brian Molko and my muse are toplist =) well anyway, they just make me feel alive and show me that you can show who you are in public (I don't have the courage for that)...
So, remember about the bus? As it went around, it passed by a place where an old schoolmate of mine lived. As we grew older, though, she started to annoy me and we didn't leave on such nice grounds (we were never 'enemies', but we wouldn't usually talk)... I thought about her and immediately associated to a person who was the biggest coincidence I ever met.
His name was Sergei(a bit strange, but not as unusual as it might be in the US) and I knew him for a couple of years. I went to this place for english courses. We were mixed of all age and education and he was there as well. He was a year younger, but acted like 5 to 7 years younger. At the time I looked like a very nice person, but I'm afraid I was just as evil... I think he got quite a lot of affrontations from me... Not that I really cared at the time. He also happened to live by that abovementioned schoolmate and actually know her and be friends with her. Now he was the most... extraordinary person I had met till then. He was completely insane. Imagine a boy... he loved sailor moon(okay a minus, but it's just part of the major picture), he wouldn't stop drawing models(I secretly envied his skill), he loved Aqua(remember that barbie girl song? those guys...)....
As the bus passed by where he lived and a restaurant where we had been at a birthday party (I threatened to stab him in the eye with a plastic fork... err, bad mood, I guess...) I wished for him back. Now I could appreciate him as a person, I could praise his art.... It is too late though... I never actually liked him - he was extremely annoying... I guess time washes out all the negative traits from my memories, but I think I'd take him over anyone of my classmates right now... He was an artistic soul... I kinda miss him... And I feel I should make something to remember him...
Serioja, where are you?
Eh those were good days....

It's 4.10 and I feel like it's Friday. It is Friday. I feel exploited in so many ways that I feel unreal... like I'm not even here. Exploited by work, emotions, people, teachers... I need a good long medidation, but (thanks to my 'lovely' new classmates) I can never relax enough for that. Even with a DCD background...
I feel like everyone's after me and yet they don't care about me. I don't know what's happening. I feel like it's all falling apart, and it is. Right under myfeet and between my fingers this world turns to dust only to trip me. do you think caffeine would do the trick? 'bring me to life'? or at least for a while? I'll try that...
I ran across this book my father once gave me. It's about drawing. He'd get me anything 'for drawing.' It's not like I choose what, but if he finds something he'll get it. This book is absolute trash or I'm an idiot(most probably both, with them not being connected).
Introduction to painting with pencils, water colour and oil paints.
Well no it isn't. I looked through it. It basically has a picture of some painting and 'Materials needed.' And steps. 'Take the blue pencil with the sharp end pointing down...'

Here is a picture of Normal Life: take a person, a wife, a house, two kids and a dog...
Fucking American dream. No such illusions here. Here everyone knows what they are worth and we all know it's not much. It's a pethetic country, but at least we know and admit it.
Life isn't a fucking pizza! You don't just add everything you like!!
Ugh ¬.¬; ..... There's no one I can talk to for more important things than the value of hairspray... And no I do not have such conversations... or use hairspray, for that matter... I feel weird. I honestly don't think I'm more intelligent than most people(well there are some, but a fork would feel more intelligent than them), and yet somehow I can't talk to anyone in the way I'd like to... like some girl said 'reverting back to 6th grade vocabulary' or something along those lines...
You aften ask yourself why and you get to some pretty interesting answers...
Yeah right... And Santa is really still no the North pole and not chopped up in my basement...
I have to do something. I feel the need to create, but somehow my inspiration is completely gone... I need my muse... Oh silver angel, bless me with the kiss of vision!