I confess, okay, it is so. It is not. I am not.

Through all shades and reflections, refractions, gamma and tints of each part of it
      Been there.
      Done that.
Just to hide (from myself, no less), to try to deny my nature, to try to escape the fact it's not neurasthenia
and I keep trying, keep pushing
the worst part is no one sees it's fake, it's so silly
genuine, innate, expressed
like hell it is
silly people who don't know what they're talking about
I may not be, but I appreciate it
I see the real ones, I see how fake mine are, how cardboard-propped-up they are
and there are the others, saying it's great, saying there's talent where there's practice
then I see the real ones and they make me cry, make me fear, make me feel
And I see how much practice there is in the world, too much practice, too overexposed
and we Need the talent
Oleg Dou

forget people like me, or ones with even more practice
(damn, how can you not even see?! maybe if you saw him, you'd know how wrong you've been till now...)
(hope shall be my ruin, no?)
turn to him, see it, feel it
maybe even understand it
but at least see what genuine means
see what is
CREATIVITY

(like I could study that, are you serious?!... unless I just change colours, I won't last even a month)

Standing at the crossroads, trying to read the signs
To tell me which way I should go to find the answer,
And all the time I know,
Plant your love and let it grow.
~Eric Clapton - "Let it Grow"

so this is my fork, only the other prongs are too sharp
too painful, too scary to contemplate
I'm faced with a choice I can't make
because I already have such a long long time ago
and the other path might have been better
might have made a better person out of me
or so I would have thought
carefree

I'll keep this quiet (and secret, and safe) because otherwise it'll hurt (others as well)
and this is why the web is my confessor
even though there are big hairy spiders that will probably come eat me...

Suddenly!
A movement in the corner of the room!
And there is nothing I can do
And I realise with fright
That the spiderman is having me for dinner tonight!
~The Cure - "Lullaby"

he wouldn't want to know
he wouldn't be allowed
he wouldn't know
so I might be safe

but, in retrospect... I might have wanted to try that other prong
if I had, though, things would have been so much different than now
and it's not me
it's just not who I am or ever have been
but it might have been fun
now the choice isn't mine anymore
// or so I tell myself because hell if I'm going to contemplate taking it again
// it would hurt too many too much
// or at least too much

so let me get back in my old tiretracks
and I'll be fine
just don't tell any of the 3
and we'll just keep on going


Anybody working on that cloning (preferrably +timetravel) technology?
Because I can really use a copy of me right about now
Especially if it's under a shared mind

Where's Jane when you need her for a quick dip outside?...
Valentine, huh?
Young and beautiful girls are overrated...
sometimes.